I Will....Enjoy My Lunchtimes

Sometimes at lunchtimes I pop into the nearest bookies for a few minutes. I hardly ever bet, I just like watching the races and the punters; you see life in a betting shop. This exchange took place today.

Bloke 1: Trap 3, in this next race. Trap 3's gonna win.
Bloke 2: Yeah ?

Bloke 1: Trap 3, yeah. Trap3.

Bloke 2: Right. Trap 3. Right. OK.

Bloke 2 fills in betting slip, and heads for counter.

Race comes on. It's a computer animiated one. Trap 3 starts slowly, continues slowly, finishes even more slowly. Possibly makes fifth place.

Bloke 2: [Accusational tone] Well what bloody good was that ?

Bloke 1: Eh ?

Bloke 2: "Trap 3", you said. Came bloody nowhere.

Bloke 1: I didn't mean that race. Not that race. I never bet on them computer ones. Newcastle, I meant. Next race at Newcastle.

Bloke 2: What ?

Bloke 1: Trap 3. Newcastle. Next race.

Bloke 2 [Theatrically throws his away his spent betting slip, missing the bin my some margin]

F*** it. I thought you meant that computer race. Right. Newcastle. Trap 3. Newcastle.

Bloke 2 fills in betting slip, and heads for counter. Race comes on. Trap 3 gets a flyer and runs on like Mick the Miller.

Bloke 2: Bloody hell...Trap 3....trap 3.

Trap 3 crosses the line two lengths clear of the rest.

Bloke 1: [Triumphantly] Told you ! Trap 3 ! Trap 3 !

Bloke 2: Trap 3. Too late...I was too late getting to the counter. They didn't let me bet.

Things That Make You Go..."Hurray !"

A correspondent recently wrote to me saying this blog sounds like something Victor Meldrew might have been proud of, and I know what she meant.

So today I thought I'd post something positive, and what better than a spiritually uplifting tale from the London Marathon ?

Cue Rob, a throughly decent bloke whom I met through work last year, and his run in aid of the Well Child charity, as featured by the online Daily Telegraph here.

WellChild is a charity supporting the care sick children and their families in their own communities.

As the Womble's own running activities are constrained by yet another calf strain, the effort undergone by Rob and thousands like him is humbling. He's raised over £2,500 from his efforts on Sunday, to add to the sums he's raised in previous years.

It's not too late to sponsor Rob, and you can do so here.

More Insanity

I can't work out whether this is a) an attempt at a humourous PR stunt; b) the result of a hack into the company's website by a disgruntled ex-employee or c) just an April Fool.

Government IT Produces Something Useful At Last

Did you know that under the Freedom of Information Act you can gain access to speed camera offences registered within the last twelve months ?

Details of all such offences are placed on a freely accessible website.

And if you're worried that you might have been snapped recently (in the last couple of weeks) you can use this site to check for any nastu surprises you might be about to receive in the post....

Access the Live Online Vehicle Checking System here, and check your registration number.

A Result To Cheer

Not all sporting results went the Womble's way today, but this one certainly did.

Apparently though, the Scots are protesting about the result to the ruling body of the Six Nations.

They're saying that, under the Barnett Formula, they should have been subsidised to the tune of 58 points by England before the match started.

Low Cost Air Travel

Spotted...

...on the BBC's interactive weather forecast this evening:

Apparently, at 9 o'clock tonight, we were expecting rain, with sunny intervals.

There must be something in this global warming business after all....

Customer Survey

This was allegedly posted very briefly on the McDonnell Douglas (Military Aircraft) Website by an employee there who obviously has a sense of humour. The company, of course, does not have a sense of humour, and made the web department take it down immediately. Enjoy the disclaimer notice at the end !

Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglasmilitary aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.
1.
[_] Mr.
[_] Mrs.
[_] Ms.
[_] Miss
[_] Lt.
[_] Gen.
[_] Comrade
[_] Classified
[_] Other

First Name:............................................ Initial: ........
Last Name......................................................
Password: .............................. (max.8 char)
Code Name:.....................................................
Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ......................

2. Which model of aircraft did you purchase?
[_] F-14 Tomcat
[_] F-15 Eagle
[_] F-16 Falcon
[_] F-117A Stealth
[_] Classified

3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day):19....... /....... /......

4. Serial Number:................................................

5. Please indicate where this product was purchased:
[_] Received as gift / aid package
[_] Catalogue / showroom
[_] Independent arms broker
[_] Mail order
[_] Discount store
[_] Government surplus
[_] Classified

6. Please indicate how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you have just purchased:
[_] Heard loud noise, looked up
[_] Store display
[_] Espionage
[_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally
[_] Political lobbying by manufacturer
[_] Was attacked by one

7. Please indicate the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:
[_] Style / appearance
[_] Speed / manoeuvrability
[_] Price / value
[_] Comfort / convenience
[_] Kickback / bribe
[_] Recommended by salesperson
[_] McDonnell Douglas reputation
[_] Advanced Weapons Systems
[_] Backroom politics
[_] Negative experience opposing one in combat

8. Please indicate the location(s) where this product will be used:
[_] North America
[_] Iraq
[_] Iraq
[_] Aircraft carrier
[_] Iraq
[_] Europe
[_] Iraq
[_] Middle East (not Iraq)
[_] Iraq
[_] Africa
[_] Iraq
[_] Asia / Far East
[_] Iraq
[_] Misc. Third World countries
[_] Iraq
[_] Classified
[_] Iraq

9. Please indicate the products that you currently own or intend to purchase in the near future:
[_] Colour TV
[_] VCR
[_] ICBM
[_] Killer Satellite
[_] CD Player
[_] Air-to-Air Missiles
[_] Space Shuttle
[_] Home Computer
[_] Nuclear Weapon

10. How would you describe yourself or your organisation? (Indicate all that apply:)
[_] Communist / Socialist
[_] Terrorist
[_] Crazed
[_] Neutral
[_] Democratic
[_] Dictatorship
[_] Corrupt
[_] Primitive / Tribal

11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?
[_] Deficit spending
[_] Cash
[_] Suitcases of cocaine
[_] Oil revenues
[_] Personal cheque
[_] Credit card
[_] Ransom money
[_] Traveller's cheque

12. Your occupation:
[_] Homemaker
[_] Sales / marketing
[_] Revolutionary
[_] Clerical
[_] Mercenary
[_] Tyrant
[_] Middle management
[_] Eccentric billionaire
[_] Defence Minister / General
[_] Retired
[_] Student

13. To help us better understand our customers, please indicate the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis:
[_] Golf
[_] Boating / sailing
[_] Sabotage
[_] Running / jogging
[_] Propaganda / misinformation
[_] Destabilisation / overthrow
[_] Default on loans
[_] Gardening
[_] Crafts
[_] Black market / smuggling
[_] Collectibles / collections
[_] Watching sports on TV
[_] Wines
[_] Interrogation / torture
[_] Household pets
[_] Crushing rebellions
[_] Espionage / reconnaissance
[_] Fashion clothing
[_] Border disputes
[_] Mutually Assured Destruction

Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future - as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia.

As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will be registered to win a brand new F-117A in our Desert Thunder Sweepstakes!

Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to: McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION Marketing Department Military, Aerospace Division

IMPORTANT: This email is intended for the use of the individual addressee(s) named above and may contain information that is confidential privileged or unsuitable for overly sensitive persons with low self-esteem, no sense of humour or irrational religious beliefs. If you are not the intended recipient, any dissemination, distribution or copying of his email is not authorised (either explicitly or implicitly) and constitutes an irritating social faux pas. Unless the word absquatulation has been used in its correct context somewhere other than in this warning, it does not have any legal or grammatical use and may be ignored. No animals were harmed in the transmission of this email, although the kelpie next door is living on borrowed time, let me tell you. Those of you with an overwhelming fear of the unknown will be gratified to learn that there is no hidden message revealed by reading this warning backwards, so just ignore that Alert Notice from Microsoft. However, by pouring a complete circle of salt around yourself and your computer you can ensure that no harm befalls you and your pets. If you have received this email in error, please add some nutmeg and egg whites and place it in a warm oven for 40 minutes. Whisk briefly and let it stand for 2 hours before icing.

Thought Shower

Just been sent this by a mate.

How To Shower Like a Woman
Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tile Cleaner.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.
Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohican.
Wee.
Rinse off and get out of shower. Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.
Admire willy size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again. Throw wet towel on bed.

I KNOW YOU'RE LAUGHING BECAUSE IT'S TRUE!!!!!!

Counting Blessings

I know I come on here and moan a lot about the state of the country, the world and the rate at which we are being robbed of our freedoms. And I know I should be grateful for what I've got and my relative well-being. OK, well right now, that's what I'm doing. In comparison to many, my life is a breeze.

I've got a friend, who, in the last three months, has:
....seen his wife walk out on him;
....tried to help his daughter who is being bullied at school;
....lost his job;
....watched his mother die.

So this morning is a time for the Womble to reflect, and realise how lucky he is.

But don't worry. I'll be complaining again very soon.

Who Does This Remind YOU Of ?

I don't know about yours, but at the Womble's workplace there are a few people who can usually be relied on to come up with some real gobbledegook from time to time.

If management bullshit is the kind of thing that winds you up, then this is for you. It's terrific ! I've spent some lovely idle time playing with it and imagining who in our place is most likely to come up with each inane phrase.

And in the New Year, I might resurrect my old game of "Bullshit Bingo", where you have a card of sickening phrases such as "Synergy alignments" and "We're all one team" (heard that only last week). Might wake everyone up if I suddenly jump up in the middle of a meeting and shout "HOUSE !"

Hell Have No Fury...

....like a womble insulted.

There may not be a lot of blogging here today. Something has happened in Womble On Tour's life which has made him very, very angry.

I like my blog posts to have some sort of coherence and creativity about them (stop bloody sniggering).

When the Womble is cross, coherence and creativity go out of the window.

And the Womble is livid. Absolutely fucking furious.

UPDATE: There ensued an extremely sharp exchange of views. What might be described in Civil Service circles as "frank, bordering on direct". Tops were blown. The insulter in turn felt insulted (tough). Grudging apologies were received (not much comfort, actually).

Anger has slowly given way to abject despondency.

Do any of those involved feel any better ? I doubt it. I certainly don't. Damn. And double damn.

NHS Joke

A friend has just sent me this.

60 yrs of the NHS

A lady rings her local hospital and this conversation follows:

Lady: Hello. I'd like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree. She was admitted last week with chest pains and I just want to know how she is.

Receptionist: Do you know which ward she's in?

Lady: Yes, Nelson Mandela Ward, room 2B.

Receptionist: I'll just put you through to the nurse station

Nurse: Hello, Nelson Mandela Ward, how can I help?

Lady: I would just like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree. I was wondering if her condition had deteriorated, stabilised or improved?

Nurse: I'll just check her notes........I'm pleased to say that Mrs Tiptree's conditioned has improved. She has regained her appetite, her temperature has steadied and after some routine checks tonight, she should be well enough to go home tomorrow.

Lady: Oh that's wonderful news, I'm so happy, thank you ever so much!

Nurse: You seem very relieved, are you a close friend or relative?

Lady: No, I'm Mrs Tiptree in room 2b. No bugger tells you anything in here !

28 Years Of Hurt Never Stopped Him Dreaming

This story cheered me up last night (and God knows we all need a bit of that right now).

An amateur jockey has finally won a race, after 28 years of trying – 28 years in fact, of never coming better than fifth.

I loved his interview on the radio last night, especially the bit when he said he was in the lead and nearly fell off waving to the crowd.

I’m glad he stayed on board. To have fallen off at that point would have demonstrated such incompetence he’d probably have been drafted into the Cabinet.

The Womble Goes Soft...

As you (and Hazel Blears) know, positivity is usually way off-thread for me, but I when I saw this at Hedgewytch I felt moved by it, and decided to pass it on. Must be feeling at a low ebb or something...

One day a teacher asked her students to list the names of the students in the room on two sheets of paper, leaving a space between each name. Then she told them to think of the nicest thing they could say about each of their classmates and write it down.

It took the remainder of the class period to finish their assignment, and as the students left the room, each one handed in the papers. That Saturday, the teacher wrote down the name of each student on a separate sheet of paper, and listed what everyone else had said about that individual.

On Monday she gave each student his or her list. Before long, the entire class was smiling. 'Really?' she heard whispered. 'I never knew that I meant anything to anyone!' and, 'I didn't know others liked me so much,' were most of the comments. No one ever mentioned those papers in class again. She never knew if they discussed them after class or with their parents, but it didn't matter. The exercise had accomplished its purpose. The students were happy with themselves and one another.

That group of students moved on. Several years later, one of the students was killed in Vietnam and his teacher attended the funeral of that special student. She had never seen a serviceman in a military coffin before. He looked so handsome, so mature.

The church was packed with his friends. One by one those who loved him took a last walk by the coffin. The teacher was the last one to bless the coffin.As she stood there, one of the soldiers who acted as pallbearer came up to her. 'Were you Mark's math teacher?' he asked. She nodded: 'yes.' Then he said: 'Mark talked about you a lot.'

After the funeral, most of Mark's former classmates went together to a luncheon. Mark's mother and father were there, obviously waiting to speak with his teacher.'We want to show you something,' his father said, taking a wallet out of his pocket '. They found this on Mark when he was killed. We thought you might recognize it.'

Opening the billfold, he carefully removed two worn pieces of notebook paper that had obviously been taped, folded and refolded many times. The teacher knew without looking that the papers were the ones on which she had listed all the good things each of Mark's classmates had said about him.

'Thank you so much for doing that,' Mark's mother said. 'As you can see, Mark treasured it.

'All of Mark's former classmates started to gather around. Charlie smiled rather sheepishly and said, 'I still have my list. It's in the top drawer of my desk at home'.

Chuck's wife said, 'Chuck asked me to put his in our wedding album.''

I have mine too,' Marilyn said. 'It's in my diary'.

Then Vicki, another classmate, reached into her pocketbook, took out her wallet and showed her worn and frazzled list to the group. 'I carry this with me at all times,' Vicki said and without batting an eyelash, she continued: 'I think we all saved our lists'.

That's when the teacher finally sat down and cried. She cried for Mark and for all his friends who would never see him again.

The density of people in society is so thick that we forget that life will end one day. And we don't know when that one day will be. So please, tell the people you love and care for, that they are special and important. Tell them, before it is too late.

BUT IF YOU THINK THAT MEANS I'M EVER GOING TO SAY ANYTHING NICE ABOUT NEW LABOUR, YOU MUST BE CRAZY !

Does This Make Me A Celebrity ?

I received this invitation via email to a "Supermodel Agencies Party". They're scraping the barrel if they're having to invite me. I can only assume the models in question aren't very super.

Either that, or the recession's biting harder than we thought...

Has Gym Fixed It ?

I've been going regularly to the gym over the past few months to try and get my body into some sort of shape.

This afternoon, I did 50 minutes on the treadmill and worked on some weights. When I came out I was jogging back to the car when another car passed me. A woman leaned out of the passenger side window and called out "Gorgeous bum !"

I suppose she might have been being sarcastic....

Politican Shows Sense Of Humour Shock

Good on you, John McCain.



It's not often you see humour from a major politician.
Wouldn't do us any harm to see some of that here...

Hoping For A Run Of Luck...

I love running and when I'm in the habit it feels fantastic - I feel fitter and stronger, I sleep better, I'm less stressed and I enjoy the wonderful local scenery.

When I got back from holiday I developed what I think is some sort of achilles heel problem and it's been driving me crackers. Running started hurting and I've had to have a rest from it. In the meantime I've been to to the gym and done time on the exercise bikes, the cross-trainers, the steppers and the rowing machines - anything to keep the lungs and muscles in some sort of shape. It's not the same though; it doesn't beat running.

Tomorrow I'm going for a gentle run on grass to see what happens. It the heel fails the test, I may need a place to vent some deeply-held frustration. I vent on this blog. you have been warned...

Riiigggghhttttt.....

There really are some very strange people in this world, are there not ?


Hippies Wail for Dead Trees - Watch more free videos

Hat-tip: The Final Redoubt